A type two

I’ve taken the Enneagram quiz before, and I was a Type 2. That haven’t changed. I was reading up on it in another site and amazingly, it summed up my best and worst points: Generous, Demonstrative, People-Pleasing, and Possessive.

When I said it summed up both my best and worst points, I can say for a fact that I’ve been an unhealthy kind of Two for the longest time, and, I think, even until now:

Beneath the surface, all three types fear that they are without value in themselves, and so they must be or do something extraordinary in order to win love and acceptance from others. In the average to unhealthy Levels, Twos present a false image of being completely generous and unselfish and of not wanting any kind of pay-off for themselves, when in fact, they can have enormous expectations and unacknowledged emotional needs.

This is exactly how I start getting needy at the end of the day. I feel extremely unworthy when I’m not being useful to anybody. So I end up doing things in the extreme just so I can feel that I’m worth something again, or that someone needs me for something again, because I’ve never seen the point of just doing things for myself. It’s always been easier to be doing things for other people and pleasing them. In another light, I’d make selfish decisions to make myself feel better, if it’s either avoiding feeling unwanted or relishing the feeling of being needed.

Average to unhealthy Twos seek validation of their worth by obeying their superego’s demands to sacrifice themselves for others. They believe they must always put others first and be loving and unselfish if they want to get love. The problem is that “putting others first” makes Twos secretly angry and resentful, feelings they work hard to repress or deny.

This is too much like me, I’m getting scared. :/ I don’t always feel angry and resentful, but the past months have put me in situations where I felt exactly like this, just because I couldn’t understand why those things happened between me and people I’ve always put first. I’d always think about the favors I’ve done for them and helped them with and then couldn’t understand where all the rejection was coming from. I’ve resented a lot of people so much because of this, aside from hating most of them too. By secretly wanting something in return, to feel “loved” back, I realize my intentions weren’t that pure either.

I remember back when I was putting up my thesis exhibit, I felt very depressed over the fact that I couldn’t ask for help from the very people who asked me for help with their thesis. At one point I was getting really frustrated over something silly, which was spray painting on my board, when I just suddenly felt like crying. What kept the tears from spilling was the fact that my blockmates were there and I was too ashamed to admit why I wanted to cry, because it was a really selfish reason. I mean, I know for a fact that you don’t help other people expecting something in return. But being honest to myself, I was just hoping someone would offer to help. I would have been happy with that.

Despite those selfish expectations though, I have always been honestly sincere with my intentions to help other people, no matter how messy and twisted all the situations became and no matter how much more depressed they made me. I get too involved with the lives of other people because I keep on wanting to fix things for them, or I feel like listening to them will help them. I’ve always put people first before academic requirements, even though it means having to sleep late the next few days to meet a deadline.

On the lighter side of things, I enjoy feeding people. :P I bake and then give it to friends instead of selling them. I’m always giving food if I’m with a friend who missed breakfast or lunch. Small things like that. I like taking care of my friends or trying to make them feel loved, even though I get demanding sometimes. I’ll do anything when I feel indebted to somebody, and it’s so easy to make me want to do things for my friends. The smallest nice things that other people do for me — it becomes a big thing for me. They might not even mean to seem to be that nice, but if it’s something that made me happy, I’d basically want to do anything for them in return. I worry for my friends excessively and sometimes I stress over problems that aren’t my own anymore, or that I’m powerless to solve. I have friends that would sometimes remind me not to stress over other friends’ problems because they’re old enough to deal with it on their own. Except, I really can’t resist people who seem like they need helping. It’s like a drug, even when it becomes emotionally exhausting and psychologically destructive.

Actually, I have no idea where this self-analysis will go. I really don’t know what to do with the left-over resentment, anger, and hatred and how to keep myself from being triggered by the smallest things. Does this mean I should work harder at getting over this? That I’m not working hard enough? Or that distractions will get me through this way too slowly? Because I’ve gotten over people before, but that involved flying to a different country (and staying there). Sometimes I still feel like I’m stretching myself from happy to sad in a single second. My friend was telling me I should just accept things will never get fixed and I have to let things go. I think given a few more months, I will eventually get there. I know what it feels like to be free of old anger and resentment. I really can’t wait to get there again. It’s been an exhausting two years already. Even I don’t want anything like this anymore. Maybe once I’m over everyone, I’d be numb enough the next time this happens, ha!

So anyway, for now, I’m giving myself a K-drama overdose. It’s the better drug.

Everything is a mistake after another

I’m starting to feel depressed about this. Temporarily, but depressing nonetheless. Imagine putting a price on two weeks of stress and sacrificing academics with it and really, I try not to think about it, but when I do, I just feel so horrible I want to cry. I really haven’t been thinking much about it. I just put it away in that far corner in my head, but when someone asked me this afternoon that single, significant question…

answering it was equal to admitting the truth and how I really felt about the whole thing. I feel worse only because I’ve accepted the fact that this sucks. Maybe he asked/knew because he was with me for at least a week when everything was happening and I looked my worst.

But it’s done. It’s over. I’m left with so much regret. I wish I wish, but no matter how I can’t turn back time anymore. I’m trying to look at some kind of bright side to this and there is, sort-of, except it’s the kind of light that’s way too far ahead in the tunnel that I have to stumble in the darkness for a long while before I reach it.

I just feel sad about everything. But like most broken hearts, time will make it feel better. Eventually these feelings of regret will fade and the lesson learned will be the only thorn that will remain.

Gawd, that sounds so dramatic. :'( Cry.

Rashes like mushrooms

Summary of me for the past few days:

camping out at SBC: I ended up just falling asleep while sitting down and working. wild.
camping out at SBC: I ended up just falling asleep while sitting down and working. wild.
an evening spent in the orgroom while waiting for 7pm-orals
an evening spent in the orgroom while waiting for 7pm-orals

What a way to end a crazy day. I feel so disappointed in myself. I don’t think I did very well in my Philo and Theo orals, and definitely was B-class during my thesis proposal presentation. I may have tried to dress up and all but in the end I really sucked. Strangely enough, I still feel optimistic about my thesis because even if I’m so scatterbrained about it now, I know, I just know, I’m enjoying this and I can deliver. Maybe I’ll redo my presentation sometime for the sake of it. More for a selfish reason, to feel better about myself and to prove to myself that I have the ability to do better.

Dinner with Marv, James, and Dan at Slice n’ Dice after, which was probably something all four of us needed. Dan’s sporting long hair and some facial hair which really fit him:

Dan with longer hair, and all dressed up!
Dan with longer hair, and all dressed up! He should keep his hair that way! Not too long, but not too short either.

I actually think if he started wearing 3-piece clothes, he can go for a JGL look, hahaha.

So, thesis presentation and orals down. I survived, though barely, and with regrets. But there’s a week and months to go. I shan’t despair! Friends are doing something more significant with their lives, and I feel inspired by them. Plus, note to self: go see a doctor. You need meds for your allergies.

Hopes and dreams are shattering apart

My brain is going to explode. I don’t think I can live this kind of life. Three weeks of days without much sleep, nights crashing into the sofa, working but never finishing (LIKE THERE IS NO END TO EVERYTHING), living life in one exhaustive cycle.

But I can’t just give up and not try to pass my orals. I definitely can’t fail my thesis proposal presentation because it’s 20% of my grade. So unless something awful happens to me (I get sick, I get hit by a car, I fall down a flight of stairs…) that I can’t go to school on Wednesday, or a storm happens that classes for college are suspended on Wednesday, Wednesday is going to and will happen. I just prefer not to feel like a zombie on that day.

there are black moons under my eyes!!!! my brain cells ebbing away at SBC.
there are black moons under my eyes!!!! my brain cells ebbing away at SBC.

I knew I was going to jump into the cold waters of extracurricular activities again when I get home from Singapore, but my guh, I didn’t imagine (or foretell) that this week would happen to me. Or last week. Or the next three days. I can drown myself in an insane amount of coffee and yet still feel mentally wiped out. Really. I feel like zombies ate my brain. I have reached the point wherein I’m willing to turn into one of the Cybermen.

I SAY, THIS IS LIVING THE LIFE IN CONSTANT DISTRESS. WHATUP. NOW I’M JUST LOOKING FORWARD TO (1) GOING ON A ROADTRIP WITH FRIENDS AND (2) WATCHING MOVIES WITH MY MOM AND MY FRIENDS. A friend was watching these trailers earlier and I haven’t seen these trailers before (last time I watched a movie was Inception) so now I’m looking forward to the day they release these at the cinemas. I love romantic comedies, and flick movies.

Life as We Know It seems cute. Exactly the kind of movie my mom would love to watch. <3

HELLO AMANDA BYNES. She’s the Man is still my most favorite comedy of all time mainly because I always laugh at the same parts and never get tired of it. She’s back, not as the protagonist, but it doesn’t matter!

I have a copy of The Scarlet Letter and I tried reading it before, but I never really finished. It got boring for me. :( But now there’s like a modern-adaptation movie, so yay? :P

ANYWAY.

I’ve been using Illustrator CS5 for work lately and, yes, I’m slow, but I’m trying to get used to the perspective grid! IT IS AWESOME. No longer will you have to grope around getting perspective right with 3D rendering in Illustrator. You can make sure your vanishing points make sense and everything. You can go here to watch a more extensive overview.

two-point perspective with flat objects and 3D objects
two-point perspective with flat objects and 3D objects
one-point perspective: with flat and 3D objects as well
one-point perspective: with flat and 3D objects as well. you don

I love the cold weather

Cold weathers make it easier to layer or wear more interesting pieces from my closet: coats and blazers.

This week I’ve been bringing a light dull-brown pseudo-coat (it’s not really a trench coat since the sleeves are only 3/4’s). It’s perfect for the Philippine weather because it’s not too warm (not full sleeves) and the length is long enough for shorts and dresses. :)

I wore heels for my casual-lifestyle pic, but went back to flats after.
I wore heels for my casual-lifestyle pic, but went back to flats after.

This morning had been a series of stress-inducing situations. The pictorial people were late in accommodating us (8am-9am) so Lala and I were late to Flash class. I’m not happy with my grad and lifestyle pics, I wasn’t able to finish the graded seatwork for Flash, I was late to Imbong, and I thought I forgot my phone in the CS lab during that period. STRESS. AND I WAS JUST TOLD WE HAD THESIS CLASS YESTERDAY.  I DID NOT KNOW. I thought our next class was the formal defense already. :( And I’ve been so out of it yesterday, I couldn’t even function properly enough to maintain a conversation or to work that night while at Seattle’s Best. To make things worse, I have rashes all over my body because my skin asthma reacts mainly to bad stress and no sleep. :(

Yes, Seattle’s Best Coffee (SBC!) is starting to be my org’s new tambayan, hahahaha. Since it’s hell month (hell semester?), we’ve been going there to work and do more work. I know we’re supposed to eventually get tired of it, of staying here at SBC, but it’s just so convenient. Plugs + internet + food + great coffee + chill areas. What more could you ask for? And it’s so near the overpasss, we can just walk going there, haha. I’ve been spending so much time here (yes, I’m here at Seattle’s typing this!) I made up this joke (which is amusing mostly only to me! JUDGE ME KINDLY, PLEASE!): SBC = SBusy. GET IIIIIIIT?

Lost some “innocence” but not an ounce of clumsiness

Compared to freshman college, I can ride with “green” jokes now, having learned a lot from friends, hahahaha. Not in an offending way, but yeah, for jokes and hirit and stuff like that. Despite this, I am just as clumsy as I was back then. NOT EVEN FOUR YEARS HAVE CURED ME OF THIS.

Yesterday morning, while jogging at Moro, I tripped down the oval. D’: I don’t know how but I did and I fell on my left knee then crashed on my right leg. Good thing I was wearing jogging pants so I didn’t get any scars and aside from some pain, I really seemed okay!

And then this morning, I fell down the van on that same left knee, hit my bag on the step, and crashed on the ground. Except know my knee effing hurts. I know a bruise will start making itself visible later. Fortunately, I’m wearing pants again but the whole incident ruined a part of my shoes. :'( And whenever I walk, my knee scrapes my pants, and it hurts again.

Probably not the best way to start a long day in school. But thank you Lord for the library and air con. I just wish I had some ice to put on my leg.

SBC's medium espresso
SBC's medium espresso

Yesterday, I ordered espresso while waiting to be picked up at Seattle’s and I think it works on me. Except eventually I still slept early-ish, around 1am, because I gave up trying to figure out Philosophy. It was more of a mindfuck than Inception will ever be. Hopefully some leftover caffeine can energize me even for a quarter of the day. :( Morning = not so good.

Seattle’s Best has Moulin Rouge on its playlist

I’m at Seattle’s Best again. I should be studying for our Flash quiz tomorrow but eh, it’s cold and I’m thinking of too many things. I got hungry earlier (I really should stop eating just “rabbit food” a.k.a salad for lunch) and thought I can do thesis/study here, but in the end all I did was eat (it’s only Monday and I have P325 of my allowance left), read a little, go through some fashion blogs, and THINK. So now I’m cold, sleepy, and distracted by my own train of thoughts.

I suppose the fact that I’m strong-willed when it comes to dealing with friends but completely the opposite (extremely weak-willed) when coping with my own life, problems, and frustrations can be somewhat baffling. Sometimes, I think the reason why I want to be of so much help to all my friends is because I can’t fix or help myself. I’d like to believe I give good advice when other people ask for it but when my issues come to hit me in the face, I just cower or get hurt from it.

Think of happy thoughts: at least it seems some of my friends are slowly patching things up, or at least trying to see the bright(er) side. And while thesis is not exactly making me happy (at least for now, because all that it’s doing is dumping more worries and problems on my lap, and on the contrary it’s making my skin asthma start up again. Which is completely horrible because I’m itching all over), at least it’s the best distraction ever.

I keep forgetting I shouldn’t eat chocolates and chicken and seafood this week. Unfortunately, the first two on that list were the things I’ve eaten since I got to school. Good job, Camille.

The destructive touch of Midas

Everything break-able should be kept at a 5-meter radius away from me. I dropped my camera on the ground and now it’s dented and I’m still wondering if I should have it fixed (if it’s fix-able. I don’t think so though). I’m a walking accident, I tell you, and it’s just so damn unlucky of me. My luck lies only in the fact that at least most of the things I destroy or break are mine. Imagine having to pay for someone else’s S$600-worth camera. I’m so frustrated with myself right now (because of my camera) and I think I’d have to personally strangle myself if I break someone else’s. I’m so stupid this way.

This morning, community service was having fun and helping the old uncles and young kids fly kites! I was taking everyone’s picture because I was just too tired to run around.

I’m also so frustratingly weak as proven by my aching legs (from yesterday). :( I think if I taxed my legs more I’d have started to walk like a penguin. I have no toned muscles to boast of and my stomach is getting fat because of all the food I eat (I starve for a few hours and then there are just some days like this when suddenly I eat like I’ve never been fed before. Especially when it involves new food). But that doesn’t stop me from pigging out.

This afternoon, Shine-oppa was kind enough to bring us to a Korean restaurant: Togi. Jiang Shang said I get amazed by things too easily because this afternoon I was expressing that same sense of awe when the dishes were served as when I come into contact with things like ice cream, cheesecake, and cute animals:

these are just the side-dishes!
these are just the side-dishes!

So those were, apparently, just the free-flowing side dishes. I was starting to get really, really excited! After they served the main dishes, we dug in faster.

digging in!
digging in!

When I started eating with the SILVER CHOPSTICKS and the SILVER SPOON WITH A LONG HANDLE, I got much, much happy. Too happy! Hahaha. I finally had an experience of how they eat Korean food which I often see in Korean dramas! AMAZING AMAZING AMAZING! I was eating their rice and their kimchi and their vegetables and the green thing where you stuff beef and rice and some sauce! WHO CARES IF IT WAS A BIT SPICY? It wasn’t very spicy so I was able to eat a lot! I tasted everything! I just didn’t drink the soup because I think I won’t be able to take it, haha.

my favorite side-dish: the fish cake :3
my favorite side-dish: the fish cake :3
I like this fish too! :D
I like this fish too! :D
I enjoyed this pancake a lot! :D I took a picture of Jeannie's food because I finished mine before I knew it, haha.
I enjoyed this pancake a lot! :D I took a picture of Jeannie's food because I finished mine before I knew it, haha.

This post will almost be all about food, seriously. Continue readingThe destructive touch of Midas