Some of the things I wish to unlearn

I am not proud to have learned to hate people. Hate is an emotion I wish life, circumstances, and decisions never had to trigger. 

I am not proud of feeling sick at the sight, name, and thought of certain people. I am not happy that a person can drive me to feel disgust because I think it’s wrong for me to feel this way towards human beings who are not evil, per se. However, even the idea of other people admiring them makes me want to throw up because I know their sly, selfish, manipulative side that I cannot anymore fathom something bright and admirable can exist in them. It is wrong, and I know something is wrong with me. 

But I can’t help it. In them I see monsters and I see them feeding on the trust, innocence, and kindness of others. In my mind these are the feelings and images that are super-imposed on some notable individuals and they haunt me like ghosts that manifest themselves occasionally.

I wonder if forgiveness is the cure for this, or something else. I am hoping love can teach me something to help me unlearn what I know isn’t right or kind or christian. 

:'( and then this completely broke my heart

“If I die, will that work? If I die, will I be able to get out of this? If I die…whatever I sell, whomever I love, will be spared and be comforted? Then, they won’t be attacked, and won’t be badmouthed? This way, everything I did that became part of my bad image, can I escape from it? Wasn’t I being good all along? If I die, what else would I need to protect?”
— Gu Ae Jeong

I felt so sad watching this part. I don’t relate completely, and I’m far from being noble as Ae Jeong was in the drama…but I have asked these same questions and felt the familiar desperation of wanting to get away from everything. “If I die, will that work? If I die, will I be able to get out of this?” because I didn’t want to hear anything from anyone anymore. I wondered if I disappeared, would they stop finding things to say, twisting words, and believing lies? I wondered if, “this way, everything I did that became part of my bad image, can I escape from it? Wasn’t I being good all along?” because everything I did was misinterpreted and it was a time when everything I did was judged. I just hated it so much. I regretted doing so many things so much, of meeting those people so much, and I just wanted to bury everything and myself to be forgot. 

Sometimes, watching The Greatest Love / The Best Love is helping me face the feelings I had from that time — things that pulled me into an even worse depression. In a different way, it makes me long for things that never happened and people that never existed. Mi-Na, as selfish as she was, was lucky she had a friend like Ae Jeong by her side. Ten years later, I’m glad Ae Jeong found Dok Go Jin who, in his way, tried to protect her. I can’t ever forget the part where he sacrificed his image for her. Sometimes a girl just wants a knight in shining armor. 

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Camille, I had met you for few occassions only, but you had left a good impression to me. How much more ur old friends who have spent more time with u. You deserve kindness.

This makes me feel really sad.

Filtering

Some days I go through my writing journal and I think to myself,

“I can’t write like this anymore.”

There was, at a point, when I was very young, I wanted to experience everything I read from books, saw in movies, heard from adults. I wanted things to happen to me because I knew the best writing can only come from experience. How do you write about love when it has not happened to you? Of flirtations, confessions, confusions — feelings that get you so drunk, drama that burns painfully but beautifully make you make things happen in an attempt to take hold of that flame. How do you write about the slow process of breaking — the expansion of cracks that makes holes but in their deterioration creates an object more precious? How do you write about the exact feelings of disorientation, lostness, fear and anxiety and anticipation for the worst?

I welcomed the best things and accepted the most horrible and most painful because I try to convince myself, I have gained experience and one day I will write beautiful words with it. Maybe this means I can understand more people — understand their pain and help them with better advice so they may have better stories and happier endings.

But at that time when I was making that wish, it never occurred to me that residuals of many aftermaths can sometimes rock the soul. Gently, harshly, unknowingly, leaving marks that can either bring a smile to the face or tears when left with the solitude of silence.

And where am I now?

Sort-of at the process of filtering. Going through things that happened. Deciding what I want to forget and what are those worth keeping. Tucking away things that still hurt because I can’t deal with them. Floating, not going anywhere. In no hurry, just drifting along with the waves, wondering if I could ever really just run away.

This is for You

You are going away, and what will I do without you?

The role you’ve played in my life in the past year has grown bigger, in a way that I didn’t expect it to. You’ve been the person who held my hand and said, “Come with me, I want you there.” You’ve been the only person, at one point, who told me I was missed. I didn’t always listen to your advice, but you’ve been a good friend nonetheless. You never left me, unlike everybody else. You told me to be strong when I couldn’t, and I never could for myself. But for you I was.

You are one of the very, very, very few reasons that I’m trying not to forget. Because memories are painful, but you’re there and you’re part of it and I thought maybe I could keep these things because I want to remember you. But what do I do when you’re gone? Nothing’s going to tie those memories to me anymore. I have less reason to, when all I want to do is forget, forget, forget, and forget.

You are one of the few people I’d have stayed alive for. I would do anything for you. If I wanted to disappear because everything hurt, and if you said, “Stay,” I’ll stay. I’ll stay if you need me to. If you want me to.

You are one less hand I can hold.

You are one less hug I can give.

One less hug I can receive.

You are one less kiss on the cheek.

One less person to run to.

One less back to hide behind.

You are one less person I can trust.

I know you’re “just moving,” but it isn’t “just moving” anymore when there are fourteen hours of sea and land that separates my hand from yours, my arms from yours, me from you. And thinking about this makes the warm tears fall, because I will miss you, and I feel —

just a little lonelier without you.

I love you. Thank you for being the best person that you are. I hope I can see you again soon, and maybe by that time I’m not as fucked up anymore, and you can be proud of the person I’ve made myself into.

Hugs.

Tardis Messenger Bag: Work in Progress

This is what I’ve been working on lately: a Tardis messenger bag

A few things you should know:

  • I’ve never made a bag before
  • much less a messenger bag.
  • I don’t have a pattern for one, and I didn’t search the net either.
  • So I just tried to come up with one as I go.

It’s still a work in progress, and I can’t say if I know what I’m doing, but hopefully the outcome will not look so elementary.

These are pictures of when I started making it, and I couldn’t post it until after C’s birthday because it’s his present. :)) But I did not finish in time (Boracay trip was unplanned!) so hopefully I get to finish it before the week ends.

How I’m trying to do it:

  • I bought yards of synthetic leather from this fabric shop at Kamias. They sell only in yards, and I have lots of extra for the royal blue color. IT WAS SO TARDIS-y, it was awesome. I had to buy more for more projects. Synthetic leather isn’t cheap though, but I only got blue and white since we still have black at home.
  • I tried to make a ‘pattern’ first on newspaper, then drew it on the backside of the leather.
  • How I’m gonna add the second layer of fabric inside, I’m not so sure yet. But I think I need to sew on and finish everything on the outside first.
  • I found an old bag to get the plastic things for a strap. But I don’t know where to get those strap things for bags so I’m making one from the leather itself. The downside: the strap is going to be thick, and IT WAS EFFING HARD TO SEW IT ON THE BACK SIDE AND THEN INVERT IT BY HAND. Because the leather is thick-ish. Not the best idea ever, but it will have to do. :(
  • I’m still not done figuring out how to make the inside pockets either, but hopefully I’ll figure it out after I’m done with the outer part.
  • AND this is where I have to say a sewing machine would make my life loads easier, except I don’t have one, and my aunt’s is broken SO. It’s taking me longer, and with more uneven stitches, but maybe there’s the charm?

I got more ideas for Doctor Who related projects up my sleeve, but I just have to finish this then I’ll figure the other ones out before my ‘vacation’ ends. ;D