How things are lately, as I’m supposed to update my doctor —

C talked to Jopy apparently, and he told me only when I asked him what he was planning to do about…things (his friendship is making me feel betrayed, and my doctor says it’s part of what my expectations are, and rightly so, if he is going to stay my boyfriend).

That confirms one thing: they don’t really feel the gravity of what they’ve done, or that they’re even responsible for anything. I didn’t feel that his apology was sincere to begin with, and this confirms it.

1. His initial reaction was that I should be over it since we ‘talked’ already.
2. He apologised expecting an apology in return because, of course, I should understand why they acted the way they did and it’s excusable because I was wrong, too (about what, really, they never told me so I feel like I’m responsible for something except I don’t know what I’m supposed to be responsible for. It’s super confusing).

C said things and I don’t really know if they’re effective or anything. When he was telling me about it, I just…I don’t think I felt that sad. I was just listening and thinking, I don’t think I will ever, ever accept how other people think.

Jopy reasoned out they had other issues and other reasons why they ignored me. Which is funny because I’ve never been told of these things and was just ignored by everyone at the same time, which is more alienating and hurtful than anything else. They could have just told me why they were angry and I could even have done something about it. Except no.

C was asking me why I was hoping that someone would at least feel responsible or that they did something terribly wrong. I said, for the most part it was because he was friends with them and I wanted to believe he was friends with them for a reason so I thought there must be hope for that or something.

I don’t really know what to feel anymore. I think I’m past hating. I think I just have to accept: this is how people think. Most people will never want to be responsible for anything. In the past I ended up feeling responsible for EVERYTHING which is terrible, really, but I don’t feel that way anymore. Now I know that they shouldn’t have done what they did, no matter how justified they think they are. There is no excuse to treating me that way because they should have been more honest instead, and at least if they were they’d be more decent human beings.

At least now C realizes and knows he’s responsible for a lot of things. I feel though that he’s taking the blame for everyone even though I believe that everybody has a choice and whatever it is they did or didn’t do, that was their choice, and I still felt angry at them individually for it.

Other things:

I still judge anyone who’s friends with Kitkat, to be honest. Even if it was a person who used to be friends with me (maybe more so because they’ve heard her lies and whether or not they believe it, they just let it be). It still feels like they’re like everyone else who just let bad people do bad things because it doesn’t affect them. Some people I’ve stopped following in social things like Instagram or Twitter. Others I’m still contemplating if I should unfollow/unfriend. Because it bothers me that they’re friends with her, and I feel anxious every time I see her name on their feed / tagged on their stuff.