friends fight — and that’s normal. but when friends break each others’ trust, then there’s less of a possibility that their relationship will stay the same. that they’ll still be friends.

I was telling C how one of my friends was bugging me to be “friends again” with this person, and how — after I did think about it — I can’t feel like there is still friendship there. Or perhaps, not on my side. It’s like, the moment you betray me, there’s a switch that turns off and the last flickering lights of that relationship say: It’s Over.

C is all for forgiveness, and I see the importance/goodness/whathaveyou of that. I actually agree with it, even. It’s just that my emotional capacity to feel anything beyond NOTHING after those initial moments of anger and hurt and a cycle of anger and not-being-able-to-understand-what-the-fuck-people, I can’t make myself feel like I care anymore. Not even if I want to.

There’s no trust, this relationship is dead: I can’t trust you to do the right thing by me, and it’s regretful but all feelings are dead.

I am 99% sure this is an effect of my lovely experience with my LFC orgmates back in college. I’ve often told C of feelings that I try to rationalize away except I can’t and that part of me is dead (no matter how smart and philosophical I try to get about it, really). And I told him, maybe I can’t really wrap my head around giving other people chances because it’s not like these people from LFC proved that they’ve changed either. In fact, some of them make me sicker than ever.

All I can do for that other person: still, be as nice as I can, and try to ping people when I think I have some advice to give, but as for friendship —

that part of me is dead.

Same goes for my blockmates and practically every group I’ve encountered that has more than, say, eight members. Everyone going around backstabbing people and shit. Just — what the fucking fuck.

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