you know change is permanent

I was thinking about this Saturday. How do I feel about it, really? Am I ready? Will I ever be ready? I still feel uncomfortable just thinking about them. But it is merely discomfort now: just recognising the fact that the way I see them (or things) have changed, and I can’t just revert myself to how I was before. It’s difficult. I say to myself: I want to be friendly; I want to be open; I really want to be kind and warm. But as soon as I think about it, I shrink from it. I try to imagine it happening but I can’t. Although, the idea of them doesn’t bring the same amount of pain I used to go through. And that is better. But what next?

I think: no amount of reasoning can make me feel the way I used to towards these people (friendliness, forgiving, or even just reasonably understanding and logical). The past is the past. Maybe I am not used to being around people I don’t trust; people I no longer consider friends. It feels strange in a way, but it is also familiar. Trust is weird. This is me now, and scars leave behind some itches and I just can’t get past —

Well, my doctor has explained all of these before. I do believe I’m getting better. These are the kind of memories that aren’t exactly nostalgic. They’re not dear, but neither are they painful. I’m unsure, hesitant, scared even. But I will always have my own corner, my own space, and I can make that safe.

I feel exactly the same way about my blockmates now. It is quite strange that ‘weird’ is normal for me, now.

because I just wanted to get to know some strangers

I was browsing through someone’s Tumblr when C asked me, “Who’s that?”

“I don’t know.”

“What?”

“I’m just intrigued. I don’t really know her.”

And isn’t that what the web was like? Back when I was twelve? You follow a bunch of people you don’t really know, read about their lives, comment and maybe eventually chat and become friends sometimes.

I do miss it. Following each other’s blogs, talking about Your Real Life and Their Real Life without really being part of each other’s circles and somehow becoming friends along the way.

Maybe that’s what I miss. Or need. Or lack.

The other night C was telling me that I don’t have that many friends now compared to before. I think he was trying to encourage me to make more friends (or become more forgiving so I get to keep “friends”). So I said, I don’t think they were my real friends to begin with if they’re not my friends now (not anymore). In conclusion: I didn’t really have much friends to begin with.

It’s really hard to get some respect from people these days (these past few years).

And then: I cannot cannot cannot absolutely cannot accept how C thinks of those horrible people from the past as his “friends” (if your so-called friends can’t respect people important to you, like maybe your girlfriend, then I really don’t think they ought to be called friends. I mean, who fucking does that, right? Spread malicious gossip about your girlfriend?). I will probably resent C forever for that. So yeah, friends — most “friends” suck.

It is odd, I guess. Or maybe expected. I think I would like to get to know other strangers now. Strangers — always fascinating. Strangers — people I find more trustworthy than most who I thought I knew personally (and In Real Life).  When strangers have more decency than people you’ve sort-of interacted with for more than three years, then maybe you were looking for “friendship” in the wrong place.

There’s something comforting about not knowing people too well.

on insecurities and growth

I was sharing with C how I felt very insecure about “not being popular enough” last year, and feeling unappreciated in the more seemingly “designer / artist circles.” That, perhaps, feeling overshadowed by other designers/artists made me feel pretty useless.

In comparison, I feel like my own set of skills could be appreciated more in the technical circles, and in this way I feel like I could give more to the developer communities. I guess being in a small team wherein everyone shares similar hats, it’s easier to feel like the designer/coder (albeit more of a designer and less of a coder, but enough to help out with the overall workflow) is still a needed role.

And so, I’ve been feeling less and less insecure about my skills and my own definition of “success.” This may have some things to do with:

(1) pop-culture popularity seems to be so short-lived, and it isn’t something that I aspire for, and

(2) I’ve recently heard of some things about a person I used to admire, and when seemingly “amazing” people’s flaws start becoming apparent, the distance between me and “them” ceases to exist.

That said,

(A) I’m also opening myself up to other challenges, and

(B) I feel that I’ve been learning a lot of different things lately, and with all the skills I’m gaining I’m starting to realize that I don’t have to be like other people. I could just be that designer who can code. I could just be myself.

if I don’t trust you, it’s over for us

friends fight — and that’s normal. but when friends break each others’ trust, then there’s less of a possibility that their relationship will stay the same. that they’ll still be friends.

I was telling C how one of my friends was bugging me to be “friends again” with this person, and how — after I did think about it — I can’t feel like there is still friendship there. Or perhaps, not on my side. It’s like, the moment you betray me, there’s a switch that turns off and the last flickering lights of that relationship say: It’s Over.

C is all for forgiveness, and I see the importance/goodness/whathaveyou of that. I actually agree with it, even. It’s just that my emotional capacity to feel anything beyond NOTHING after those initial moments of anger and hurt and a cycle of anger and not-being-able-to-understand-what-the-fuck-people, I can’t make myself feel like I care anymore. Not even if I want to.

There’s no trust, this relationship is dead: I can’t trust you to do the right thing by me, and it’s regretful but all feelings are dead.

I am 99% sure this is an effect of my lovely experience with my LFC orgmates back in college. I’ve often told C of feelings that I try to rationalize away except I can’t and that part of me is dead (no matter how smart and philosophical I try to get about it, really). And I told him, maybe I can’t really wrap my head around giving other people chances because it’s not like these people from LFC proved that they’ve changed either. In fact, some of them make me sicker than ever.

All I can do for that other person: still, be as nice as I can, and try to ping people when I think I have some advice to give, but as for friendship —

that part of me is dead.

Same goes for my blockmates and practically every group I’ve encountered that has more than, say, eight members. Everyone going around backstabbing people and shit. Just — what the fucking fuck.

last night at Cantina

it’s old news that Cantina is closing. had a last drinking night with Dan there tonight, after promising to meet up for dinner over a week ago. ordered too much  food, which seems to be a common affliction now that we’re not college students and everything else seems affordable (Cantina was too expensive in the past, too expensive for my allowance. Now the drinks are cheap, like the Php300 plate of quesadillas and a Php250+ bucket of beer is a mere chip off my salary. AS IF. ha!). 

there are still huge college blocks having celebrations inside, and occasionally I would shout a “boo” or “woooh!”, pretending to join them in their celebratory noise. quickly I would go back to whatever conversation I was having with Dan, with him usually asking me a particular situation and what kind of advice or thought I have with regard to it. it’s fun if you have a friend who trusts you and the things you say, like you’re not some kind of weird person on this planet and the way you make sense of things and your beliefs seem to be true and reasonable, contrary to how people in the past have treated you. 

it’s great because he’s one of the few people who’s known me since freshman or sophomore year, and he knows where all these things are coming from. :) 

one of the things I celebrate in December

every time it’s near my birthday, ever since that year, I celebrate the wrongness of inviting each and every one of you: your names forever engraved now, in my memory, together with everything you did that day and the days after. 

I hate myself for being the source of this curse, and I hope each and every one of you have burned those letters and photos that I painstakingly wrote, printed, and prepared. 

Untitled

the forgotten mixes should stay forgotten, along with the names, faces, and memories from college. 

Disney heroes

Always, that knight in shining armour that would defend me like this — whenever I watch things like this, I always wish. That someone should have done that for me, and that nobody did… 

I feel like I’m still looking. 

i try

yesterday: proved that it really is C who can quell my anger and intense hatred. i had been feeling so much anger since the night before. the train ride from makati to ortigas seemed to pass within seconds while i was thinking of monsters disguised as people. got to his office and the moment i saw him, i felt happier. he talked to me after work, after dinner, and at the very least it’s my trust and belief in him that calms me down and pushes back devilish thoughts to the back of my head.

nothing can change what they’ve done and who they are to me. but C is right that i should stop hating them eventually. i can hate what they’ve done because nothing will change that. i wish they stopped me before i learned to hate each and every one of them so much. but i’m here, and that experience is what i have, and i have to deal with it the best way possible.

i’m not there yet, but i’ll try.

weekend

  1. had my first workshop ever, thanks to PWDO. it wasn’t my best, but it doesn’t have to be my last so at least I know what to improve on next time. I don’t really want to share it right now because my slides are so ugly and crammed, but someone asked for it last weekend so here it is (videos and everything): https://www.dropbox.com/sh/ckzz5khqfp1iv6z/jm-CcPsCnZ/FFCPH2012 
     
  2. i had absolutely no motivation to socialize. i know i’ve been tired and sick and all, but i could have if i really wanted to. except it feels like it’s something that kitkat finds important and i don’t want to be anywhere like her. everything she touched has been stained and tainted. even people who socialize with her seems a little more scary, a little less inspiring. i realised this during the weekend, when i felt both conflicted and uncomfortable and i just didn’t want to dwell on it. 
     
  3. all i wanted to talk about was taipei and pandas. 
  4. i slept all day today and i feel kinda bleh.