last night at Cantina

it’s old news that Cantina is closing. had a last drinking night with Dan there tonight, after promising to meet up for dinner over a week ago. ordered too much  food, which seems to be a common affliction now that we’re not college students and everything else seems affordable (Cantina was too expensive in the past, too expensive for my allowance. Now the drinks are cheap, like the Php300 plate of quesadillas and a Php250+ bucket of beer is a mere chip off my salary. AS IF. ha!). 

there are still huge college blocks having celebrations inside, and occasionally I would shout a “boo” or “woooh!”, pretending to join them in their celebratory noise. quickly I would go back to whatever conversation I was having with Dan, with him usually asking me a particular situation and what kind of advice or thought I have with regard to it. it’s fun if you have a friend who trusts you and the things you say, like you’re not some kind of weird person on this planet and the way you make sense of things and your beliefs seem to be true and reasonable, contrary to how people in the past have treated you. 

it’s great because he’s one of the few people who’s known me since freshman or sophomore year, and he knows where all these things are coming from. :) 

one of the things I celebrate in December

every time it’s near my birthday, ever since that year, I celebrate the wrongness of inviting each and every one of you: your names forever engraved now, in my memory, together with everything you did that day and the days after. 

I hate myself for being the source of this curse, and I hope each and every one of you have burned those letters and photos that I painstakingly wrote, printed, and prepared. 

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the forgotten mixes should stay forgotten, along with the names, faces, and memories from college. 

weekend

  1. had my first workshop ever, thanks to PWDO. it wasn’t my best, but it doesn’t have to be my last so at least I know what to improve on next time. I don’t really want to share it right now because my slides are so ugly and crammed, but someone asked for it last weekend so here it is (videos and everything): https://www.dropbox.com/sh/ckzz5khqfp1iv6z/jm-CcPsCnZ/FFCPH2012 
     
  2. i had absolutely no motivation to socialize. i know i’ve been tired and sick and all, but i could have if i really wanted to. except it feels like it’s something that kitkat finds important and i don’t want to be anywhere like her. everything she touched has been stained and tainted. even people who socialize with her seems a little more scary, a little less inspiring. i realised this during the weekend, when i felt both conflicted and uncomfortable and i just didn’t want to dwell on it. 
     
  3. all i wanted to talk about was taipei and pandas. 
  4. i slept all day today and i feel kinda bleh.  

Better, better, better

  1. Tying up some lose ends in work.
  2. Stay firm in saying ‘no’ to projects for a while, until I get my shit together.
  3. Have a little faith in myself.
  4. Relax and enjoy Taipei.

My sessions have been very helpful, I’d like to believe. I’m told I will continue to struggle with some things but I just have to remind myself, always, while being conscious of the things my doctor has told me. I have those bad moments, but they always go away eventually, and I can look back at them as something that I felt instead of an experience that’s still ongoing.

Taipei is happening too soon and I didn’t even notice. It’s going to be fun, I’m going to take a breather — and maybe things will be better. :)

Creatures of inclination

  1. No more freelance work after this.
  2. Focus on feeling better.

I don’t want any baggage when I go to Taipei at the end of the month.

I don’t want to crash and burn anymore, which has been happening lately.

Sometimes I believe we’re creatures inclined towards sadness.

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  • it hurts to think of the past. 
  • it’s making me question a lot of people who saw what happened and just let it happen.
  • things are going to get harder for me before it becomes better.  

“Enable me to see reality as it really is.”

One of my muslim friends shared this

Rasul Allah (sal Allahu alaihi wasallam) said: “Oh Ali, if two people come to ask you to judge between them, do not judge in favour of the first until you hear the word of the second in order that you may know how to judge.” [Ahmad, Abu Daud]

Humans are hasty by nature. We are quick to judge. A situation aggravates us and we rush to condemn without bothering to determine all the facts first. In our haste usually only one point of view is considered. This could happen in our households when children get into a fight. This also often happens when we hear things about people. We don’t stay out of things that do not concern us; then we do not bother to hear the other side of the story either. Thirdly, we also get easily influenced with one sided information broadcast at us through the media.

In short, we do exactly what Allah (subhana wa ta’ala) has forbidden, which is to make haste in passing judgment. Rasul Allah (sal Allahu alaihi wa sallam) used to make dua begging Allah, “Enable me to see reality as it really is.”

I have been hurt (so much) by people like those who judge hastily. I am frightened by them, but even more terrified by people who lie very well. I know I’m not the only person being affected by this and I want to feel hopeful for all of us, that we’ll win all our battles in the end. But for now, we try to handle each inner conflict one by one. 

Charlie opened up to me and I realised: we have both experienced the same things, but differently. We have been hurt and trampled by the same woman, was disappointed by friends. But he has something I don’t, I’m not sure what. Maybe how he sees some things in life. Maybe he believes in things (and people) that I don’t. But he’s definitely the stronger person and I can only aspire to be more like him in more ways. I am very stubborn but Charlie is very constant. He is forgiving where I am not; maybe that is where our differences lie. I wonder how he has so much trust in people left. I guess some people are naturally good that way. 

It’s difficult (still is). The past — I am thankful my closest friends reacted the way I expected them to: with disbelief. It would have broken me more if they didn’t. I am thankful they were there always, always, always in loyalty and honesty and love. I value these things very highly in my relationships: responsibility, loyalty, righteousness, honesty, and justice. Even with things being so muddled for me, I am thankful for those people who had these virtues consistently that I could hang on to them when losing faith in everyone else. 

You guys know who you are. Thank you, and I love you. 

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Just when I had to force myself to not feel bothered by recent college org reunion photos (over someone’s birthday party) this morning, I coincidentally chat up Lles and Dan (about Dan’s love life, no less), and it made me feel better. 

Bothered because it felt weird seeing some people that affected me so much in the past.

It feels unnatural to see a smile on a face when you’d expect fangs; it is so bizarre to find joy from people I can only associate pain and hurt with. Like it’s strange and unreal and my heart skips a bit from a premature stage of panic, so I close my eyes and force myself to look away. 

Better because it reminded me that I have true friends I still keep close and trust, and who trust me back.

Because distance and time have not changed much between us. I have no doubts about you, and it feels like you have no doubts about me too. 

That not all the relationship advice and conversations have to turn into my getting pinned all the blame. :P 

That I should not regret closing off something that was so, so toxic to begin with even if it still hurts a little to remember what I invested in them a long, long time ago. 

I told Allan a few days ago, “I used to be in a film org. I wasted so much time doing film things.” 

And then there’s always that one person who’s with me through everything now so I shouldn’t dwell on my anxieties and insecurities about other people anymore. 

Sometimes the world is a bit too small, is all.