Two relationships and I’m cursed with a bad fate of hating one of my partner’s closest friends. Being treated in a similar manner (and then some) like I was treated over ten years ago unfortunately is still unforgivable in my book. There’s some overlap in what they both did: being spurned, shrugged off, ignored, and disregarded while I thought they were my friend. What disgusting friends they were.
This was the first line that B crossed, and there’s just some crossed lines you can’t fix. I don’t usually hate people but for better or for worse, I give back more than I receive. That clear cut rejection he showed me when I was starving and tired after ten hours of my time helping him move house was enough for me to want to cut him off my life (our life) completely, if I could. I was begging, and he ignored me, and he was supposed to be my friend. I have no business being nice to him, like I would be if he were a friend.
That friendship completely shattered in front of me so abruptly and it continued to turn every little crack and flaw in the friendship clearer and wider. It’s the first hate that triggers the rest.
After Dylan proposed, I couldn’t sleep the whole night because I was stressing over the possibility that I had to invite him to our wedding and I’m not quite sure I can stomach that yet. They say you grow wiser over time, and I should know better so I’ve been trying to suppress the negative feelings but it’s still a bit of a hard ask at the moment. After all, it took me about ten years to get over the first round of trauma with friends. I just don’t want anything that is unpleasant to me to be at our wedding. But I care about Dylan and also want him to be happy because it is his wedding, too.
I have thought about this a little:
Option A: find a therapist and talk to them about this.
Option B: talk to Dylan about it (cheaper!) and see if he will not mind.
Option C: write this down and hopefully I will no longer mind the things that I currently mind in 12 months time.
Unluckily for me, there are some words that keep living rent-free in my brain. I rehash these conversations, sometimes out of the blue, and the words I wish I said live and die in that mental chamber. Maybe I can just write it down here as an exorcising ritual so that revisiting the memories won’t make me feel loathing anymore. I’ve already experienced that some people won’t be comfortable with hurtful truths, so I have given up talking to them about my feelings.
So now I will address this to you: you who were supposed to be a good friend, who kept insisting that your friends need to accept you for who you are even though you’ve been such a shitty friend. We’re not your wife; we never pledged to like you for better or for worse. Whatever your excuses were, it’s not a ticket to lifelong friendship. Even your friends can stop being your friend when you’ve been a shitty human being.
“I don’t have hard feelings atm (thanks to therapy) but I need to let you know stuff, cause, I feel so bad that you’re alone”
I hate this line so much because by saying I’m alone, you’ve also disregarded my relationship with Dylan (who was supposed to be your close friend). I really wanted to say FUCK YOU for saying this (but I didn’t because I was trying to be nice) because who are you to fucking judge. You only know one small subset of my life, you don’t know my other friends, you don’t know what I’ve been doing while you were busy in your own circles. Who the fuck are you to be telling me that I am alone, and it wasn’t even relevant in the conversation we were having.
It feels so good to finally be able to say that.
Next, I hate how your reaction to your misinterpretation of my IG stories was essentially…to blame me first. They were memes or reactions relevant to MY experiences and MY life. You could have asked yourself why you were projecting your fears in someone else’s personal feed and maybe you wouldn’t end up blaming me for feeling upset over things I found funny and were completely unrelated to you. You took something away from me for misinterpreting it and then giving me the heat and blame afterwards.
I’ve been consistent in being upfront and honest, and if I had something to say to you I would’ve messaged you about it like I always do. I do not passive-aggressively drop hints on my social media if I still treat you as a friend. I wasn’t able to say this when we had our last chat because I was too busy explaining and defending myself, but honestly, I wish you just came to this conclusion yourself.
I hated every instance I noticed you rejected Dylan because he was either too far (from the city), or too sick, or something else that was too inconvenient for you. In contrast, he kept you in mind and invited you, called you, reached out to you, and hung out with you. It was only nice for you to have him around when convenient for you. You may have noticed this about yourself on your own but never acknowledged doing it unless I pointed it out.
I hated that you complained about things that you also do yourself and still didn’t understand why being a hypocrite was so horrible. We had an argument where your defense was that I should talk to the person directly to understand what they meant, but when it came to my situation, you conveniently forgot you advocated for the truth and instead threw me under the bus. The worst part was even after doing that, the horribleness of your hypocrisy still wasn’t obvious to you.
I hated that you never accepted you are a hypocrite even when I repeatedly observed and then later experienced that from you. You don’t notice when you reject people around you, and then demand your friends have to accept you and stay as your friend no matter what. The truth is, we really don’t have to.
Someone had praised you for being mature and handling your relationships well, and I physically felt sick to my stomach while listening to the litany of praise and the good things that they believed you were. To me, you were the opposite of that. It’s not your fault that moment made me sick; I just haven’t let go of my resentments. Your apology for using me and rejecting and ignoring me afterwards was merely an afterthought and if sincere, was not satisfying.
I promised not to say anything that I know will be hurtful for you (the truth, my opinions, and a big FU). And so here we are, I continue to resent you in the spaces where I can be honest. Because I think you were such a fucking ass and no one else but Dylan could see it. If you couldn’t admit you were a hypocrite and find anything wrong with that, it’s less likely that the other people around you will see that, too. There was a point where I still cared about telling you the truth, but even me saying “I don’t like you” passed through one ear and out another. You never really listened, and there’s no reason to say anything more.
So this is it. My own little closure in my own little blog. If I am lucky, we can minimise our interactions even more in 2023. Nothing better than out of sight, out of mind!