The broken other
I read posts at LJsecret because sometimes I read good advice there. That, and there are things that make me think because it’s somehow significant to me in my life right now. This reply is an example:
I have that problem. I have some theories as to why, but my therapist had one, also. He said that people who have a fear of abandonment tend to gravitate towards relationships where the other person needs you more than you need them. That way, you have greater control in the relationship. I think that may be part of it.
Another part of it is when I meet someone who seems like a genuinely good person who gets stuck in a bad situation, I tend to want to fix it. My friends joke that when I meet new people I should say, “I’m Winston Wolf. I fix things.” I have been through a lot in my life, been hurt in many relationships, come very close to dying, lost a limb, and I generally have a sunny disposition. I work on myself a lot, read, and I study theology and philosophy. Those things help me give pretty good advice.
In addition to that, I’ve always like seeing people succeed. My wife was kind of a wild loose cannon when we started seeing each other, but she later admitted that her lifestyle wasn’t really what she wanted. So, I gave her positive encouragement to start working towards her goals, and I handle most of the household and household expenses. She has grown a lot, and I am proud of her. Historically, that’s how most of my relationships have gone in one way or another. Usually they outgrow me, but my wife and I just got closer.
I don’t think it’s bad to need each other or to get a lot of encouragement to better yourself in a relationship. It’s okay to be weak. It’s okay to be vulnerable, but it shouldn’t always lean in one direction or another. Outwardly, it appears that I handle most everything. I present a front of totally collected calm control. In reality, I am emotionally demanding. I need support, and I can’t trust my own mind half the time. My crazy girl gives me a counterbalance and a sounding board. I can always talk to her about it, and in that, she pulls her weight in the relationship. It’s not always a bad thing if one of you is like that, as long as there is plenty of give and take.
(1) I have a fear of abandonment. Note on neediness and relationships.
(2) It’s almost impossible for me to resist people who need me for something.
(3) As Bobby Guevarra said: “When you go out of yourself and reach out to a broken other, you heal each other.” Being weak sometimes is not necessarily a bad thing, as long as it’s a sort-of give-and-take and in the end both of you are helping each other become better persons.