I’ve taken the Enneagram quiz before, and I was a Type 2. That haven’t changed. I was reading up on it in another site and amazingly, it summed up my best and worst points: Generous, Demonstrative, People-Pleasing, and Possessive.

When I said it summed up both my best and worst points, I can say for a fact that I’ve been an unhealthy kind of Two for the longest time, and, I think, even until now:

Beneath the surface, all three types fear that they are without value in themselves, and so they must be or do something extraordinary in order to win love and acceptance from others. In the average to unhealthy Levels, Twos present a false image of being completely generous and unselfish and of not wanting any kind of pay-off for themselves, when in fact, they can have enormous expectations and unacknowledged emotional needs.

This is exactly how I start getting needy at the end of the day. I feel extremely unworthy when I’m not being useful to anybody. So I end up doing things in the extreme just so I can feel that I’m worth something again, or that someone needs me for something again, because I’ve never seen the point of just doing things for myself. It’s always been easier to be doing things for other people and pleasing them. In another light, I’d make selfish decisions to make myself feel better, if it’s either avoiding feeling unwanted or relishing the feeling of being needed.

Average to unhealthy Twos seek validation of their worth by obeying their superego’s demands to sacrifice themselves for others. They believe they must always put others first and be loving and unselfish if they want to get love. The problem is that “putting others first” makes Twos secretly angry and resentful, feelings they work hard to repress or deny.

This is too much like me, I’m getting scared. :/ I don’t always feel angry and resentful, but the past months have put me in situations where I felt exactly like this, just because I couldn’t understand why those things happened between me and people I’ve always put first. I’d always think about the favors I’ve done for them and helped them with and then couldn’t understand where all the rejection was coming from. I’ve resented a lot of people so much because of this, aside from hating most of them too. By secretly wanting something in return, to feel “loved” back, I realize my intentions weren’t that pure either.

I remember back when I was putting up my thesis exhibit, I felt very depressed over the fact that I couldn’t ask for help from the very people who asked me for help with their thesis. At one point I was getting really frustrated over something silly, which was spray painting on my board, when I just suddenly felt like crying. What kept the tears from spilling was the fact that my blockmates were there and I was too ashamed to admit why I wanted to cry, because it was a really selfish reason. I mean, I know for a fact that you don’t help other people expecting something in return. But being honest to myself, I was just hoping someone would offer to help. I would have been happy with that.

Despite those selfish expectations though, I have always been honestly sincere with my intentions to help other people, no matter how messy and twisted all the situations became and no matter how much more depressed they made me. I get too involved with the lives of other people because I keep on wanting to fix things for them, or I feel like listening to them will help them. I’ve always put people first before academic requirements, even though it means having to sleep late the next few days to meet a deadline.

On the lighter side of things, I enjoy feeding people. :P I bake and then give it to friends instead of selling them. I’m always giving food if I’m with a friend who missed breakfast or lunch. Small things like that. I like taking care of my friends or trying to make them feel loved, even though I get demanding sometimes. I’ll do anything when I feel indebted to somebody, and it’s so easy to make me want to do things for my friends. The smallest nice things that other people do for me — it becomes a big thing for me. They might not even mean to seem to be that nice, but if it’s something that made me happy, I’d basically want to do anything for them in return. I worry for my friends excessively and sometimes I stress over problems that aren’t my own anymore, or that I’m powerless to solve. I have friends that would sometimes remind me not to stress over other friends’ problems because they’re old enough to deal with it on their own. Except, I really can’t resist people who seem like they need helping. It’s like a drug, even when it becomes emotionally exhausting and psychologically destructive.

Actually, I have no idea where this self-analysis will go. I really don’t know what to do with the left-over resentment, anger, and hatred and how to keep myself from being triggered by the smallest things. Does this mean I should work harder at getting over this? That I’m not working hard enough? Or that distractions will get me through this way too slowly? Because I’ve gotten over people before, but that involved flying to a different country (and staying there). Sometimes I still feel like I’m stretching myself from happy to sad in a single second. My friend was telling me I should just accept things will never get fixed and I have to let things go. I think given a few more months, I will eventually get there. I know what it feels like to be free of old anger and resentment. I really can’t wait to get there again. It’s been an exhausting two years already. Even I don’t want anything like this anymore. Maybe once I’m over everyone, I’d be numb enough the next time this happens, ha!

So anyway, for now, I’m giving myself a K-drama overdose. It’s the better drug.