My world feels good again

I’ve been making new friends. I’ve been meeting good people. Better people. Hopefully making better friends. I feel thankful every time I am treated nice by somebody, or when someone listens to me, smiles at me, is just plain good to me. It makes me feel that I won’t have to be so trapped in the memories of the past anymore. 

The world is better out here

Here, where people are respectful, kind, and supportive. 

I think that eventually I won’t be scared of their kind of people anymore. We all learn from our mistakes; I’m making the most out of mine. 

When I am sad I just think: I am loved.

This month I feel like I have leveled-up as a person. So much happened. I’ve tried closing some lose ends with some people and while not all of it went smoothly as I’d hoped it would be, I’m still glad I took that chance. Just trying to stand up for myself this time made a big difference, I suppose, even if it had been late already.

There are things that I won’t forget. I had been ostracized by people I’ve sort-of “grown up” with, at least for around 2-3 years, and that had been painful. Sometimes I feel sad when I’m caught off-guard by my feelings. I think, at this point, I will be able to forgive them for what they should have done as much as I should forgive myself for my own mistakes. All I ever wanted was, in the end, an apology to know that I’m not the only one who had been wrong. I was also very, very hurt and other people’s actions and expectations pushed me to react the way I did. Jopy said, they did not like being cut of so wordlessly. I did not like being ignored, treated, and talked about the way they did either. It was traumatic taking the blame for two people and more without having been given the chance to say anything.

I cannot thank him, her, or those who made themselves involved in the past for what they did. But what I can get from it is the humbling experience and hope that the pain can somehow help me become an even better and stronger person. We all take a fall but I won’t lose sight of the principles I tried to uphold that time even if it meant other people would see me differently. Sometimes, commitments become more serious than what we first thought they would be, and the world becomes scarier and harsher than we expect.  But I can try to be hopeful now. Time will help, as it always does, and one day the pain will fade away.

I feel very sincerely loved this time. By Charlie, by my real friends, and even by new friends. I don’t think Karma is real: evil people still get away with things, or even get lucky in life. I’m just more determined to live in a way I should be proud of. I’m not ashamed of the past — that says something. :)

One of those evenings

Charlie was telling me about his shoot over the weekend and I remembered when he texted me that he was jealous of Magno because he gets “recharged” by Paoie’s real hugs since she was also at the shoot. 

Then I remembered him asking me last Friday if A is okay because she asked about me so maybe she wants to be friends. And then I said I just don’t need more mutual friends than I already have. Charlie apologized for bringing up the subject, and I let it drop. 

But this evening he wondered out loud, starting with his team right now. He doesn’t work with the people who’ve hurt me anymore, so maybe I’d want to be in a shoot again.

And then I remembered that night when I told him, crying, that I was trying to be supportive about all these shoots and films but the truth is I really don’t want to go back there anymore. 

He is so happy with what he does though. I’m happy for him, and more relieved that he has a different team (also wondered to myself if the reason why he’s working with other people now was because of me, but maybe I shouldn’t be that self-centered). For him I wouldn’t mind going to a shoot and be the supportive girlfriend that I should be. 

Deep inside…any event I have to go to, any film-related support I have to be part of, will be only for him and not for me or any past love or interest in it anymore. LFC killed all of that, until the very last drop.

Trying to make a schedule for unemployed days.

Far too much time is spent on procrastinating and getting sad. 

Srsbsns starts next week! 

My never-changing to-do: 

  • Design CV
  • Design & code online portfolio
  • Get thinner
  • Bake apple cookies

What do you do during your own unemployed days?

Deep inside, I wish other people would fight my battles. It’s too hard alone.

I don’t want pacifism. I don’t want to be forgiving. I don’t want to be mature. I don’t want to be the only person who has sense. I want someone like Dokko Jin to sacrifice his image and reputation to beat up my demons and fight them for me when I’m being treated unfairly. 

I was watching this last night and I couldn’t stop crying. I cried myself to sleep. I cried in the morning. I’ve been trying to ignore everything and everyone. But it really hurts. It really, really hurts. I just want someone to save me like he saved her. 

Life is a Bowl of Blueberries

April is almost over. I’ve done a lot of relaxing, going out, basically vacationing. I’m starting to feel much better these days, actually. More optimistic. Happier. Ready to see more people.

What I’ve been up to so far:

  • Boracay: April 6-8. Haven’t been to the beach in ages, and it was the first time I went to Boracay. Pigged out on food, went swimming and sunbathing, got drunk. A good start for April, I say.
  • Rockwell date with Lles and Gail: April 9. Korean lunch and a lot of catching up. I love my friends. :)
  • Ice skating at MOA: April 11. Charlie’s birthday. I am still as stiff on ice as ever. And I will forever be amazed at how hard Korean dramas try to pull off “accidental” kisses (or moments) on ice.
  • Baking: so much more baking, mostly cookies. Just before March ended, I baked strawberry shortcake cookies. This April, I tried another kind of strawberry cookie recipe. This was followed by a strawberry/nutella/cheese french toast, German apple pancakes, and a blueberry phase: lemon cookies with blueberry cream and another kind of blueberry cookies.
  • Shopping: bought some slippers, wedges, summery clothes, and dresses. I have this really lovely dress but I’m actually trying to find an occasion to wear it to. It’s good for an expensive dinner, or maybe as a cocktail dress for a party. There’s another black lace dress that I got which had a nice cut and emphasizes curves nicely. I’m still itching to buy more shoes. I’m very picky and I look for colors or styles that I don’t have yet. I love shopping for shoes because they’re not as seasonal as clothes.
  • Tagaytay overnight: April 16-17. A late celebration of Charlie’s birthday with his friends. Awesome breakfast and two days of fun. :) We ended up bringing the “party” to Mushroom Burger’s playground, haha.
  • Holy Spring Cleaning: Holy Week was spent “spring cleaning.” Basically, my room is not as messy as it had been for one whole year.
  • Reading: had time to finally read again! I bought some new books: A Lover’s Discourse by Roland Barthes and Two Birds & Get Stoned by Kinky Friedman. I re-read North & South, my favorite classic British lit.
  • How I Met Your Mother Season 6 marathon: April 25-26. Catching up with the season is the best way to cheer up when you’re feeling down. I almost forgot how much I loved this show.
  • Dates, movies, dinners, meeting up with other friends.

I’ve been feeling better in general, and I’m also starting to feel more inspired. I’ve been coming up with a list of things I want to design for myself, so I guess pretty soon I’ll be back in the game and creating things again. I go through fashion blogs, design blogs, and I read poems almost every day. I’ve been catching up with a lot of sleep, too. So if this had been a month of self-conducted therapy, then I think I’m getting there. :)

Why does it feel like I’m going to get sick or get colds while in Boracay?

I’m so stupid. I should have brought maybe a scarf and another jacket. Or a thicker jacket. People will look at me crazy for wearing a jacket to the beach but whatever, the wind makes me feel cold. :( WHAT IS THIS COLDNESS? 

I hope no one will want to kill me because all I did was sleep today. Sleep when we got here, sleep after we checked in, sleep on the beach. 

At least I’m away from the city and a lot of over things. 

never too old for a make-up sleepover

so my highschool friends and I waited until AFTER COLLEGE (or at least until the point where we’re graduating) before doing a whole girly sleepover. Complete with nail-painting AND make-up. WHATUP. it’s the first time we did this, haha, I am amazed!