Just when I had to force myself to not feel bothered by recent college org reunion photos (over someone’s birthday party) this morning, I coincidentally chat up Lles and Dan (about Dan’s love life, no less), and it made me feel better.
Bothered because it felt weird seeing some people that affected me so much in the past.
It feels unnatural to see a smile on a face when you’d expect fangs; it is so bizarre to find joy from people I can only associate pain and hurt with. Like it’s strange and unreal and my heart skips a bit from a premature stage of panic, so I close my eyes and force myself to look away.
Better because it reminded me that I have true friends I still keep close and trust, and who trust me back.
Because distance and time have not changed much between us. I have no doubts about you, and it feels like you have no doubts about me too.
That not all the relationship advice and conversations have to turn into my getting pinned all the blame. :P
That I should not regret closing off something that was so, so toxic to begin with even if it still hurts a little to remember what I invested in them a long, long time ago.
I told Allan a few days ago, “I used to be in a film org. I wasted so much time doing film things.”
And then there’s always that one person who’s with me through everything now so I shouldn’t dwell on my anxieties and insecurities about other people anymore.
Sometimes the world is a bit too small, is all.