I was full of regret again last night. I confessed to C that I don’t have anything to feel proud of, to show to the world, and I’m feeling so much pressure to become someone I’m not because I want to prove something. But I’m so far away from it and I don’t have past accomplishments to encourage myself or keep me hopeful. I feel like a failure then and that I’ve not accomplished anything now.

It feels like a game when it was not like that for me before. I’ve never done anything for recognition. My primary motivation for a lot of things I’ve done in the past (org work, film stuff) had been Other People. To please them, make them happy, be useful for them. Doesn’t matter how much I’m getting or not getting from it. I wasn’t as passionate about film as I was wanting to make other people pleased or happy.

But that failed and they became my demons and my enemies and in the end I’ve accomplished nothing. Not higher academic honors because I prioritized them. Not love in return because I made enemies of them. Not even awards or recognition because I fucked up after being depressed by them. What did I have? C said lessons I’ve learned, or maybe some sort of strength of character, but does that make me happy? Or proud?

C believes I have more to be proud of but I don’t feel it. There is only fear and anxiety, then more fear and anxiety. Some mornings it is hard to breathe because it feels like I’m always going to be steps behind her and she is going to win everyone again.

C often tells me how I could have done things differently. This evening we managed not to fight over it and with a controlled voice that sounded as normal as possible, I managed to explain to him how I felt. How I wished that instead of hearing how I could have done it differently all the time, I wanted someone to tell me that he realizes that given that particular situation, I had done my best. That there was a certain defeat a soul feels when four or five people turn against her at the same time. I could have done better, yes, but it was so so so difficult and I’m the only one who feels that I had done my best.

Words don’t mean to me as much as actions do.

I feel so sad sometimes.

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