The blank stare
Tonight I dropped by C’s house with Gail to look for something. The first person I saw was Jopy. I no longer froze, nor felt my heart race in panic, and neither did I feel like a hunted rabbit. I just stared at him, then past him, before I realized I wasn’t at the brink of a panic attack. I can breathe, and feel like a normal person.
Maybe it was the darkness, or the presence of Gail, or of my own urgency because there was something I needed to find that night — for whatever reason, I felt like a “normal” stranger in front of a person from my college org. More than that, I didn’t feel like crying in front of one of the key people who said unpleasant things about me last year, in addition to having treated me pretty badly. In front of him, I was able to maintain an emotional calm.
I’m hoping it’s not just a one-time momentary calm, but rather a sign that I’m no longer as badly affected by things. I’m not eager to test that hypothesis, but for whatever reason I got it together, I wish I won’t lose that reason again.