The past week I have struggled with some anger, hatred, frustrations at individuals, groups of people, circumstances, memories, whathaveyou. I haven’t been feeling affectionate or happy or understanding or patient. I just have moments when I’m just so dissatisfied no matter what I do and I forget that nothing will ever be perfect. I forgot that “perfection”, happiness, the best there is — all of these things fall unto my shoulders because I’m the only one who can make the best out of everything. I just chose to burry that important detail and instead wallowed at some of the more negative things in life.
Some days it’s just harder to focus on all the good things, to focus even on love. C said that the best and worst thing about me is that I spend my life expecting the best of goodness from most people thinking that everyone should be doing all the good things morally and lawfully. Even just the little things like courtesy (roads, customer service, among other things) and especially from the bigger things (like my org issues). But it seldom happens and life disappoints me and hurts me constantly that I get angry and frustrated. I start feeling so bad from all of it that I hope a little less and expect a little less every time because I don’t like getting hurt.
Sometimes I say something awful or hurtful to C before I realize how wrong I’ve been acting. I think I just want the world to get angry at me and in my unfair way, I’ve been taking it out on him this past week. I want somebody to say something to me. Not behind my back; no longer behind my back because I can’t escape the feeling that so many things have been said which I wish I was told first instead. Oftentimes I want to be hateful and I’d struggle with that desire to do something wrong, to say something bad, just to get a reaction (even if it were a much-needed slapping) face to face and a personal confrontation.
(To anyone reading this who have enjoyed backstabbing friends and spreading malicious gossip, I hope you will never do it ever again.)
But despite all that. Despite my little spiteful retorts against the unfairness of the world, despite those nights where I still question, despite hope lost, I think I’m still soldiering on and to an extent doing my best to love life as much as I can. For all its worth, I haven’t fallen off the face of this earth yet, have I? In my own confused way I’m still here trying to love, still trying to make opportunities to take, still trying to give myself reasons to enjoy life. I may love it a little less but maybe this just means I have so much more to learn.