When I am sad I just think: I am loved.

This month I feel like I have leveled-up as a person. So much happened. I’ve tried closing some lose ends with some people and while not all of it went smoothly as I’d hoped it would be, I’m still glad I took that chance. Just trying to stand up for myself this time made a big difference, I suppose, even if it had been late already.

There are things that I won’t forget. I had been ostracized by people I’ve sort-of “grown up” with, at least for around 2-3 years, and that had been painful. Sometimes I feel sad when I’m caught off-guard by my feelings. I think, at this point, I will be able to forgive them for what they should have done as much as I should forgive myself for my own mistakes. All I ever wanted was, in the end, an apology to know that I’m not the only one who had been wrong. I was also very, very hurt and other people’s actions and expectations pushed me to react the way I did. Jopy said, they did not like being cut of so wordlessly. I did not like being ignored, treated, and talked about the way they did either. It was traumatic taking the blame for two people and more without having been given the chance to say anything.

I cannot thank him, her, or those who made themselves involved in the past for what they did. But what I can get from it is the humbling experience and hope that the pain can somehow help me become an even better and stronger person. We all take a fall but I won’t lose sight of the principles I tried to uphold that time even if it meant other people would see me differently. Sometimes, commitments become more serious than what we first thought they would be, and the world becomes scarier and harsher than we expect.  But I can try to be hopeful now. Time will help, as it always does, and one day the pain will fade away.

I feel very sincerely loved this time. By C, by my real friends, and even by new friends. I don’t think Karma is real: evil people still get away with things, or even get lucky in life. I’m just more determined to live in a way I should be proud of. I’m not ashamed of the past — that says something. :)


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