Oh, vanity

In a perpetual state of distraction
In a perpetual state of distraction

I can’t focus. I’m at Matteo, our university’s study hall, listening to Disney music and looking at fashion blogs. I came to school supposedly to be productive until 12pm, after which I’ll head to Cubao to buy stuff for tomorrow’s shoot. And maybe find a nice pair of shoes for myself along the way. ;D

I don’t know why I’ve developed a fixation on fashion and…legs. Every morning I go through RSS feeds on Google Reader — mostly fashion blogs that I follow. As much as I love looking at styles and Fashion Weeks and models and shoes, I grow more and more discontent with how I look. What I want most right now are thinner legs, otherwise I’d be content. I’m tall-ish. I’m growing my hair longer (finally, my horrible bangs grew long enough already!). I’m exercising to keep myself from getting fatter, not exactly to be genuinely fit. I don’t starve myself or diet (I DO NOT DIET, OKAY? I eat cake, cookies, brownies, butterscotch, donuts, and unhealthy instant noodes) — rather, I eat what I love to eat anytime I want to eat. I just don’t exercise as often, I don’t have a flat stomach, and I have huge calves. :( I’m trying to work on it, especially since I made a stupid bet with a friend, which means I should have lost all stomach fat by December.

I look “ok.” Not effortlessly gorgeous like Ash (haha) or cute and hot like Gela. But it doesn’t really bother me because I know that at least I’m tall-ish, I know I dress well (not fashion-blog worthy, but not like freshman year either, or junior year), and I’m not so much as a terrible person as One Person perceived me to be (basically that means I don’t have that horrible a personality so I’m not completely ugly, not even in the less shallow level of surface-beauty). But I have my insecurities (thank You, you Person, you. I still can’t fathom how I could ever, ever forgive you for everything you’ve said and done. I pray to God I can find the heart to forgive you before I die because it’s just so fucking hard). And I know looking nicer won’t solve everything, but it feels rather lovely to receive compliments for it. Even if it’s on my style or clothes for that day, or if it’s about me in general. I’m not going to pull off false modesty because it gives me confidence when the effort I put into dressing up are noticed by some friends. Even if I know they’re biased. :P

So before anyone goes to say, “Oh my gawd, she’s so changed! Like she went to Singapore and came back all different and she’s just not the Camille I used to know!” — I don’t believe that just because I purged my closet of normal shirts and even some dresses everything about me have changed, down to the last atom. People have their own “inertia”, like no matter how easy it is to try and change yourself and your character, we still tend to act in patterns. And while I’m trying to change unpleasant things about myself, such as the way I used to rant just about anyone online, I’m trying to adjust and be more mature about things. It’s not always effective — I have my moments of immaturity. And I definitely have moments of silliness. But I’m the same girl who loves pulling people into hugs and spontaneous kisses. I’m the same girl who’s slightly apathetic but at the same time, I’d do anything to help my friends. I’m still that person who could forgive but never forget, easily annoyed but one who could brush the small things off soon enough. I’m still the person who prefers to love people than dislike them — but no one stays perfectly innocent forever.

I won’t deny that I’ve picked up habits and expressions along the way, and yeah, even some things have changed. How can they not, when four years in college were (and still is) a mix of experiences that had a variety of effects on me? I’m starting to believe, though, that it doesn’t matter. I’m still trying to fix things I’ve broken along the way and in some ways, as much as some aspects of me are essentially going to stay the same, I’m going to continue changing. Doesn’t anyone else find change exciting?


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