I’ve been watching this Korean drama, The Greatest Love/The Best Love. It’s about a celebrity, Ae Jung, who, ten years after her debut, has had a string of scandals and a lot of bad kind of talk that ruined her reputation. She does her best to stay in the industry and is actually a good person, but all the rumors and bad PR has made her very unpopular.

In this episode, she was talking to her friend and she was saying that if they weren’t celebrities, the things that happened ten years ago shouldn’t be talked about anymore. I wonder…am I also going to be remembered in that way?

I always feel for Ae Jung when I watch this drama. Maybe because I can relate, to an extent. I’m not a celebrity or anything, but I know how much it hurts when people, despite the fact that you don’t know some or most of them, believe the worst in you. Sometimes, I begin to doubt myself because of the things other people believe of me. Being misunderstood hurts too, and sometimes I feel like I have to live this life proving everyone else wrong even though they’re not there to see me live it. Not being able to say anything about it hurts too. At one point, I really tried to disappear (in the most literal sense of the word) from everyone’s lives because I can’t take being talked about anymore. I don’t know how celebrities do it. How Ae Jung survived it.

Some people believe I stole somebody, or snaked someone, that I’m easy, etc. I don’t believe it’s true. If the only mistake I’ve done is hurting someone to help somebody else, then people have had impossible expectations of me and it drove me crazy. Thinking about it still does. Sometimes, it’s hard to believe in myself. Those months confuse me too. I don’t understand anything about it anymore. Sometimes, I don’t even know what to cry about except that it hurts too much and I can’t always keep it in. In my worst moments, I feel a mixture of hurt, anger, and helplessness. I’m just hoping that one day all of those will go away because right now, no matter how hard I try, I still can’t forget.