first session with the doctor:

  1. I feel so weird. Or, I don’t know. It’s just, I have to change my way of thinking a little (accept?) that what happened over a year ago was worse than I thought or perceived it as. It’s like, suddenly apparently you were violated and it feels surreal because you didn’t know that’s what happened. It’s a mighty big adjustment and even though the doctor said I don’t have to go back for more sessions unless I want to, her initial advice was that we needed more than one session because it was so big and all. She compared it to other sensitive / inhumane issues (super sensitive that if I mention it here, I have to explain it well or I’ll risk being misinterpreted) and I still have to wrap my head around those ideas and believe that it was that bad.
  2. I feel like whatever I will have to say about this is going to be really personal (beginning now) and I don’t know if I should be writing it down here, this being public and all. Do I want this to be that public?
  3. I think one of the things the doctor said: that I am completely lacking a support group for what I have gone through is one of the reasons why I want to write everything here, publicly, because maybe one day this will be found by somebody.
  4. I am pretty much bothered by everything that I have to think about.
  5. Maybe I do need a separate therapy journal. A public one, but a shared secret.

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