I am not proud to have learned to hate people. Hate is an emotion I wish life, circumstances, and decisions never had to trigger.
I am not proud of feeling sick at the sight, name, and thought of certain people. I am not happy that a person can drive me to feel disgust because I think it’s wrong for me to feel this way towards human beings who are not evil, per se. However, even the idea of other people admiring them makes me want to throw up because I know their sly, selfish, manipulative side that I cannot anymore fathom something bright and admirable can exist in them. It is wrong, and I know something is wrong with me.
But I can’t help it. In them I see monsters and I see them feeding on the trust, innocence, and kindness of others. In my mind these are the feelings and images that are super-imposed on some notable individuals and they haunt me like ghosts that manifest themselves occasionally.
I wonder if forgiveness is the cure for this, or something else. I am hoping love can teach me something to help me unlearn what I know isn’t right or kind or christian.