Category: Ponder
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What loving life means
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in PonderThe past week I have struggled with some anger, hatred, frustrations at individuals, groups of people, circumstances, memories, whathaveyou. I haven’t been feeling affectionate or happy or understanding or patient. I just have moments when I’m just so dissatisfied no matter what I do and I forget that nothing will ever be perfect. I forgot…
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Letters I wrote but did not send
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in Ponderalways articulated distance, a withdrawal. Darling, there are just as many ways of saying goodbye as there are ways of letting you go. The boat is narrow like the width of my heart after impossible loss, cruel resignation; — an excerpt from “Boats,” by Cyril Wong I. I sent you two letters a year ago.…
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2012 Success Plan
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in PonderI wonder what other people feel like when they wake up on the 1st of January. Or if they have expectations for the morning? Half of me feels like nothing’s changed but half of me also feels a bit hopeful knowing that 2011 is over, curse it (haha) and 2012 is a blank slate for…
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Almost the end of the year and there are feelings I cannot let go of
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in PonderI guess there will always be some things I’ll feel bad about, guilty over, but despite the wrongness of it — of clinging onto the strings of hate, I just can’t let go of these feelings. Not yet. I can’t because I don’t understand how anybody could be friends with him after everything he blamed on…
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You never really know anybody until you’ve seen the best and worst of them
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in PonderI used to be really insecure about myself because I felt that because we were both sort-of “creative” people, there’s this unsaid competition between us. And it’s a competition I don’t want to be in, which always made me want to give up an aspect of design to focus on something else. But hearing that…
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Design Hiatus
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in PonderFollowing a depressing night, I’ve decided to take a hiatus on designing. I honestly hate how I got here. I’m not over some heartbreaks, and that includes feeling useless and a lot of hate towards myself. My design portfolio used to be filled with posters and whatever I did in college, and it’s a phase…
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Let’s start from the very beginning
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in PonderI question everything I did, everything I was, everyone I knew. The past is too heartbreaking and I have nothing to be proud of anymore. Maybe I’m waiting to be whisked away by a job, classes, or learning. A tornado, a hurricane, a storm can take me to Oz and I’m not even sure I…
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The blank stare
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in PonderTonight I dropped by C’s house with Gail to look for something. The first person I saw was Jopy. I no longer froze, nor felt my heart race in panic, and neither did I feel like a hunted rabbit. I just stared at him, then past him, before I realized I wasn’t at the brink…
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It was never about deserving
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in PonderFor almost a year now I’ve struggled with the idea of being deserving of some things. Deserving goodness, deserving happiness, deserving love. Being blamed and getting called names by people whom I used to think of as, at the very least, “old friends” was the worst and most painful (and freshest) memory I have of college.…