last friday’s session went pretty well. as well as I could manage because I wasn’t crying all over the place.
i think what i’m supposed to be getting from these are just a clearer understanding (somewhat) of what happened to me and how, i suppose, i could explain everyone else’s motives. much of it means sifting through layers of self-blame that i’ve been carrying for a while, although the fog of resentment remains.
articles like this still make me feel sad and resentful. whenever i read about things that i can relate to, i think of them and of that time and it’s easier to cry compared to other days.
When you have little or no supervision as to what you’re doing, and no one steps in and says, “Hey, you can’t do this”—things just keep escalating.
now that i know how bad it really was, how terrible those people actually were, i sometimes feel a bit empty every time i think about the fact that nobody stopped them for me. my doctor said i wasn’t in the position to do anything. and now, when i think of what had happened, it feels doubly horrifying that nobody in the position to do something for me helped me or protected me from everything. it makes me feel so, so alone sometimes but it’s a constant itch that i can only push towards the back of my head. rationally i know i’m not, but the experience that i was once makes me question everyone else.
that much remains the same.
what i got from friday though was: feeling reassured that C is on my side, that he understands everything well, makes me feel less alone. that he knows how terrible it was, how traumatic the experience and how inhumane his so-called friends were, is comforting. right now though i have to trust him well enough that i can feel i can unburden some things that bother me onto him when they happen, because as my boyfriend he is supposed to be that one person in the world that should go through anything with me.
i just have to see if that works for me and if it really does make things easier to bear.