sick. what’s new?

I’ve been sick the past few days, as I’ve pretty much forced myself to socialize during the weekend (went to my cousin’s baby boy’s birthday party and then another friend’s birthday party) I haven’t really been resting. I also got myself a 3DS so I’ve just been playing Pokemon on my bed when I’m at home. I’m not even sure how that is going to help me with my career or skills and everything, but I haven’t bought myself a toy for the longest, longest time (all the Apple products I have I got with work in mind) so…I suppose it does the part of cheering me and distracting me well enough. 

Meanwhile, Kasey’s design is out (GRAPHIKA MANILA!) and it’s so amazing, I feel like I’m so lame. It’s so beautiful and well-thought of, I wish Kasey believed that it really was good as much as I (and a lot of people from the internet) believe. It just felt so her. :) I’m a really proud friend! 

It makes me think of my poor skills at this point, and I feel that I should push myself harder the way Kasey does. It’s great that she can be an inspiration for me. I was talking to Jeremy last night and he also noticed that I don’t have a particular style yet — something that I thought I had around three years ago but so many things happened to me. I just don’t want to be too pressured finding my own style right now.

I really feel that I suck so much. I got some objective feedback from Jeremy last night since I was asking him for advice about something, and one of his suggestions was to really just apply myself to challenging projects. I should stop feeling so discouraged all the time! That and I think Manila tires me out so, so easily. 

I should actually just finish most of the projects I’ve started with already. That way I’m also starting the year right. :) 

christmas eve thoughts in a list

  1. I’ve been keeping count of all the horrible December’s and birthdays I’ve had.
  2. Sometimes if I wonder if I should just wear a shirt that says, “IF YOU FEEL LIKE BEING MEAN TO ME THIS MONTH, PLEASE POSTPONE ALL UNTIL JANUARY, THANK YOU.”
  3. And then most days I just want to punch people for being cowards and non-confrontational. 
  4. That, and I’m 90% convinced I will never, ever understand other people.
  5. I wonder if #4 means I’m narcissistic or self-centered.
  6. I probably am.
  7. If so, as I grow older, I am more convinced about the importance of keeping the fewest possible people close to you. 
  8. I no longer feel what Christmas season originally was. it’s a season that seems like fluff from my childhood. December is now, mostly, burdensome. 
  9. I JUST WANT PLEASANT SURPRISES, DAMMIT. IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK FOR, WORLD? 
  10. and then, if I only have one life to live, I believe I’m going to be very, very picky with the company I keep each year. 

last night at Cantina

it’s old news that Cantina is closing. had a last drinking night with Dan there tonight, after promising to meet up for dinner over a week ago. ordered too much  food, which seems to be a common affliction now that we’re not college students and everything else seems affordable (Cantina was too expensive in the past, too expensive for my allowance. Now the drinks are cheap, like the Php300 plate of quesadillas and a Php250+ bucket of beer is a mere chip off my salary. AS IF. ha!). 

there are still huge college blocks having celebrations inside, and occasionally I would shout a “boo” or “woooh!”, pretending to join them in their celebratory noise. quickly I would go back to whatever conversation I was having with Dan, with him usually asking me a particular situation and what kind of advice or thought I have with regard to it. it’s fun if you have a friend who trusts you and the things you say, like you’re not some kind of weird person on this planet and the way you make sense of things and your beliefs seem to be true and reasonable, contrary to how people in the past have treated you. 

it’s great because he’s one of the few people who’s known me since freshman or sophomore year, and he knows where all these things are coming from. :) 

short hair is so addicting

The first time I had my hair cut really short was on the 14th of September. Before that, the last time I had hair cropped like a boy’s was in grade school. 

And then it grew a bit and I realized that having short hair meant I have to become more decided on whether I maintain it or not. Skipping on salon visits meant it’ll be growing some kind of an awkward length, so I ended up going to the salon again on the 29th of October: 

But then, that cut was really mostly better when I get my hair dried every morning, lol. SO TODAY.

I got a haircut again!

Having short hair feels amazing. 

today in a list

  1. got new lenses for a pair of eye glasses I bought on sale in Taipei. the lens themselves cost Php3k. I have such bad eyes. 
  2. I never tire of watching Justice League or Batman movies with Charlie. Batman is my favorite in almost (if not all) of them. 
  3. I’ve been telling Charlie how I’ve been slowly losing interest in what used to be “work.” and there are many factors that come into play such as: horrible clients, loss of inspiration, discouragement, and a Pandora’s box of personal issues. and that I want to go back to school, maybe around 2014. that, or I work anywhere but (here). 
  4. Charlie will start giving me “homework” (maybe starting january) and I think this is a splendid idea. I think I would ask this of other people as well, just to help myself. 
  5. well, 2013 should sound more exciting. 
  6. i am no longer on instagram and i feel much, much better. 

weekend

  1. had my first workshop ever, thanks to PWDO. it wasn’t my best, but it doesn’t have to be my last so at least I know what to improve on next time. I don’t really want to share it right now because my slides are so ugly and crammed, but someone asked for it last weekend so here it is (videos and everything): https://www.dropbox.com/sh/ckzz5khqfp1iv6z/jm-CcPsCnZ/FFCPH2012 
     
  2. i had absolutely no motivation to socialize. i know i’ve been tired and sick and all, but i could have if i really wanted to. except it feels like it’s something that kitkat finds important and i don’t want to be anywhere like her. everything she touched has been stained and tainted. even people who socialize with her seems a little more scary, a little less inspiring. i realised this during the weekend, when i felt both conflicted and uncomfortable and i just didn’t want to dwell on it. 
     
  3. all i wanted to talk about was taipei and pandas. 
  4. i slept all day today and i feel kinda bleh.  

Better, better, better

  1. Tying up some lose ends in work.
  2. Stay firm in saying ‘no’ to projects for a while, until I get my shit together.
  3. Have a little faith in myself.
  4. Relax and enjoy Taipei.

My sessions have been very helpful, I’d like to believe. I’m told I will continue to struggle with some things but I just have to remind myself, always, while being conscious of the things my doctor has told me. I have those bad moments, but they always go away eventually, and I can look back at them as something that I felt instead of an experience that’s still ongoing.

Taipei is happening too soon and I didn’t even notice. It’s going to be fun, I’m going to take a breather — and maybe things will be better. :)

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I was out catching up with Dan last night, over a few bottles of cheap beer. It was a pretty dirty place but reminiscent of college days when none of us had that much money and we didn’t have so many options when it comes to bars serving Gilbey’s.

I told him everything and was relieved that, at the very least, he shared the same definition of ‘friendship’ with me. So something was obviously wrong with them, those people from my org, because I’m not the only one who thinks of loyalty and honesty as key ingredients in real friendship. 

Of course this is important. 

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Just so you know, I had a wonderful time last night and it made my otherwise boring weekend into something I’ll remember. There’s just something about these spontaneous “adventures” of ours that makes them special.

Which made me remember a piece of conversation last night concerning my impromptu invitation to eat cake posted on Facebook a few hours before: 

Dan: Bakit kasi hindi ka nagyaya kahapon? (why didn’t you ask us out yesterday?) 

Me: Huh? Bakit? Ah, para ma-plan ng mga tao? Kasi walang free? (Ah, so people can include it in their plans because nobody’s free tonight?) 

Dan: Oo (yeah).

Me: Eh hindi naman ako ganun! (I’m not that type of person!) 

Dan: Ah, oo nga, kunsabagay, kahit nung college, spontaneous ka nga pala. (Ah, yeah, I suppose, even back in college you were spontaneous.) 

I am a control-freak or plan-freak sometimes, but there are days where you just want to let go. 

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It started with an invitation to eat cake. One moment we were at Xocolat, catching up while I ate my mango yogurt cheesecake and you dived into a plateful of pesto pasta. I would be asking about her, and you would tell me everything since the last time you asked for advice and I didn’t give you any judgments until later. We were at Mamu’s and Papu’s next. Nobody else was there, the place made more dubious in the evening. We were still too early, but not as early as senior year when we went drinking during lunch, just before Theology class where we both sort-of passed out and barely had any notes during the lecture. 6.30pm? Nobody drinks at six-thirty. But it’s a Saturday! 

We get the usual: a bucket of Gilbey’s just like last time, except last time I hadn’t built some kind of extra resistance to alcohol. I get a little buzzed with three bottles; you don’t. But it’s enough for me to tell you my story: the doctor, the recurring feelings from over a year ago that paralyses me, that one day in senior year that I didn’t get to tell you about wherein I felt invisible and it was so real like I existed in a bubble that nobody can see. It sounds so crazy now and I feel so calm telling you everything: that I’m not as depressed before, that the doctor is a good thing, that I just have to learn to live with what happened and accept it and maybe I’ll get the hang of focusing on other things when days are bad. They no longer serve kropek at the bar for free, unlike last time; it’s only been over a year and now they only serve peanuts. I suggest chili chicken wings as pulutan and it’s good: just okay, like life is for us: just okay. One day you will be a chef in Disneyland and I will be happy. 

We talk about anything and everything under the evening sky, clouded without any stars in sight. I would never have let you spend eight hundred bucks over a woman who didn’t deserve it, and I do my best to give sound advice. I’ve swum through rivers of drama before, where flirting and naivety and heartache flowed. I’ve had a little more experience in a way; at least my mistakes have a purpose and I can help you avoid them. I say: things are better now, to be honest. I just have to make those sessions work, and I will hope that you will find a better girl who will treasure your kindness and your thoughtfulness. Maybe another chef you will meet someday who is smart and successful and talented and all the good things. 

We talk about love. I tell you that I care for all you guys: I care for you too, I trust you and I am loyal to you, and I believe that no matter what I do and no matter what happens you will be honest with me and we will all have each other and accept each other and I am at the point wherein you’ve seen so much of me and we’ve done so many things, stupid and all, that I almost teared up just thinking about it. ‘Love’ is such a weird word, which I’m more comfortable with attaching to females and my romantic other, so other words have to suffice to describe how I care about you and our friends. But I know that you know and you understand when I substitute ‘love’ with the adjectives that make us both the best kind of friends. 

Until next time, we say, when we part ways after a long evening walk to McDonald’s, same old fast-food brimming with youth — same-old, same-old.